I laughed out loud when they randomly started giving Gordana’s backstory.  Not because I did not appreciate her humble upbringing and struggles, but because it was so out of nowhere and typical of reality television.  We have yet to have any kind of in-depth look at any of the designers.  However, I think more than making me laugh, her story made me realize the insane age difference between her and the rest of the remaining cast.  If she were to be eliminated, the average age of the designers would be 25.  I have complete respect and admiration for young designers, but that, in my opinion, would be a very poorly representative final group.

This was an especially bitch-tastic episode with everyone hating on each other.  Logan thinks his grandma has better taste than Gordana.  Althea “hate[s] Logan” and thinks he copied her zipper collar idea (but she did it better, of course).  Irina thinks Althea is copying her slouchy cardigan look.  Althea thinks Carol Hannah is a one-trick-pony with her dresses.  Logan nicknames Irina “Nina Irina”.  One of my favorite moments in this episode is when Irina and Althea are sitting outside the workroom eating and complaining about Logan, while shoveling In n Out into their mouths.  It was pure awesomeness – like scorned women eating their feelings.   I began to wonder if Althea was going to take over as the resident snark-queen, but Irina assuaged my worries on the runway…when Heidi pointed out the similarities of Irina and Althea’s cardigans, Irina complained about Althea copying her and how she did not understand that people could not recognize it in such a small workspace.  Althea responded, after winning, “accusing on the runway isn’t an issue of stress, it’s an issue of character”.  While I generally think she is gross, I have to admit this observation was accurate and articulate. 

Now for the runway: what the heck is Heidi wearing?  this is the first time I have questioned her fashion perfection – pink ruffle shirt, black sequined blazer and silver (tight) bermuda shorts…no me gusta.  Althea – cute but very few women could actually wear those pants; Irina – really nicely done, love the dress fabric; Carol Hannah – cute with pockets! my true love; Gordana – yikes! The jacket wasn’t that bad but the pairing with the skirt made her model look old and frumpy; Logan – ugh lame; Chris – fabric vomit.

The judges this week were Nick Verreos from PR Season 2 (!!love!!), Kerry Washington and Nina Garcia.  Sadly, no oompa loompa MK this week.  Can someone please explain these random absences?  Apparently me and Kerry are soulmates, because she loved the pockets as much as I do – adamantly so.  Ironically, Nina was the only judge who was not gung-ho about Irina’s design, calling her brocade dress too tight and cheap-looking.  But Nina’s true shining moment was without a single word at all – when Chris’s dress came down the runway she raised her eyebrows.  And you knew he was in trouble (not that it was not already abundantly obvious - Chris has been in trouble for a while now).

Nick’s best comment was probably when he likened Gordana’s design to an office worker in Warsaw, Poland.  Ouch.  It’s a double-whammy to Gordana and to those poor Polish office workers.  Kerry’s funny moment was her remark towards Chris’s dress – “it was like children were riding underneath”.  Not to be upstaged by her guests, Heidi brought it come with her multiple slams on Logan: “It was like a music video dress for the 80s, but not even for the lead person”…”I told him last time to tell me who you are and it’s like he is saying ‘I’m about zippers!’”.  It’s less funny written out, but when you combine her accent with her tone and the timing, it was truly comedic genius.

So in the end, Althea won.  And Logan was kicked off.  Finally.  I guess good looks will only get you so far (but in this case, about 10 weeks further than he deserved).  On an unrelated note, it is interesting to see the complete lack of real friendships this season.  I thought Althea and Carol Hannah were BFFs with their matching (ugly) outfits, but apparently even that union was tenuous.  Things still aren’t heating up for me yet though.  More like a slow simmer – with the potential to boil or to fall completely flat.

WEEK 8 – 50% of Marriages End in Divorce

Let’s start with Episode 8, where the challenge was to convert an old wedding dress into a hip, new dress/outfit for a recent (or not) divorcee on a $25 budget (max purchase of additional 2 yards of fabric).  I thought this challenge was very clever and feel-good empowering.  Luckily for the designers, all of these women had fantastic bodies so there were no issues regarding an inability to produce for the average American.  This was also the last challenge that would have an immunity prize. 

At the beginning of the episode, Gordana says that “if I lose everything, at least I have my health…I will start again”.  I found this mildly endearing and very Russian of her, no?  I can just see her brewing a rock and potato stew for her family as she sews dresses by the light of a fire.   Here is a projected image 20 years from now:

As much as Shirin irks me, I could not help but feel bad for her.  Her client was like a walking sex ad with barely any fabric to work with.  She wanted something “super fly” with feathers, a headdress and reminiscent of Cher.  WTF was this woman on?    And did anyone notice her runway walk?  I snorted my soda.  It was so over-the-top – like Tranny does Cher does Paris Hilton.  But Shirin’s client was not the only crazy one – it seemed like all of the divorcees were “high on life” and abnormally enthusiastic.  My favorite moment of the episode was when Nicholas shook his head at the camera when the client said she wanted to have his child. 

And why is Epperson such an idiot?  Why did you originally intend to use as little of the dress as possible?  That is the opposite of what they told you to do?  Ugh.  He had to change his idea half way through when Tim Gunn, the lovely, set him straight.  As predicted, it was awful and (as the judges pointed out) made his client look like a beer garden girl (and I would know since I spent a lot of time online looking for slutty Halloween costumes…this beer girl is quite popular).

Fast forward to the runway – here is a Ulysses-esque (a/k/a stream of consciousness) summary of my thoughts: Shirin, impressive (considering her limited fabric and talent), Epperson, beer girl (duh), Irina, nice as usual, Carol Hannah, love the layered gray lace, Gordana, love the structure, Chris, cool or spacey and weird? decide space-y and weird, Althea – cute (her dress, not her), Logan – barf.  Irina, very nice and expensive looking.  I can’t remember Nicholas’ so that probably doesn’t bode well either way. 

The judges really gave it to Epperson and Logan.  Calling Epperson’s outfit reminiscent of a pirate’s wench and Oktoberfest.  Ouch.  But deserved.  The best part of the judging was when Michael Kors professed his love for Cher.  This awesomely predictable moment further cemented my love for him as my favorite Oompa Loompa.  In the end, Epperson was axed and Logan survived for eye-candy purposes (for what other purpose?  I cannot explain.  He is mediocre at best and has yet to impress me.)

Such a fitting picture - contemplative but clueless

 WEEK 9 – Ode to a Pop Diva Icon

Moving on to Episode 9, where the challenge (given by sparkle-god, Bob Mackie) was to create an extravagant stage look for Xtina Aguilera!  The designers had 2 days and $300.  This was like a jackpot compared to past budgets in time and money. 

This episode was fantastic, but not just because of Xtina.  Tim Gunn was pulling out the outrageously detailed and accurate comparisons and comments left and right.  Below were a few:

• (my fav) To Christopher: Chris, can I voice my general disappointment?  If you have a reveal, it should be super sexy slutty or something.  This is 1999, in the costume department, as an ice-skating Halloween outfit.
• To Irina: it looks like she comes out of a pumpkin and pops out.  (this was only so-so funny.  Nicholas guffawing on the side, though, made it noteworthy)
• To Shirin: it looks like it’s for a 16 year old’s really bad prom.  This would also only be so-so, but really the dress looked EXACTLY like the dresses I saw in ugly Seventeen magazine prom dress advertisements.  And this was 10 years ago.  Gross, I’m old. 

Anyway, back to the designers.  There was love, there was hate.  Love in the form of Carol Hannah’s pathetic crush on Logan.  Ugh.  Can someone PLEASE get Carol Hannah eye-makeup remover and a Q-tip?  Stat!  Her racoon eyes make me want to wash my face over and over.  Irina, the resident biz-natch, calling Shirin’s outfit bargain-basement.  Then Nicholas, second biz-natch, commenting that “Irina is a really good designer, the only problem with her is that she is a bitch”.  Now can you see why I love him so much?  While talking to her model, Irina also took the time to throw a snark at Carol Hannah: “if you’re going to be mediocre, at least have a personality”.  Harsh.  I guess that sucked mucho balls when Carol Hannah turned out to be the winner.  She isn’t mediocre Irina!  She just has no personality.

And Nina Garcia is Back!  Yay!  And Xtina looks was bleach-blonded, red lipped as ever!  Yay!

Okay, here’s another Ulysses-esque Runway rendition: Althea - very nice, Logan – ugh, lame, Shirin -cringe, Chris – whoa, wtf? A garter belt? This isn’t PCD costume here?, Gordana – eh…not as bad as I thought, Nicholas – love, don’t care if he used white again, Carol Hannah – also love, begrudgingly.

Xtina was so kind on the runway, with something nice to say about everyone, even Christopher’s hooker costume.  She gave him a big E for Effort.  ha.  This was truly a post-motherhood moment for her.  Like the star you give to the “special” kids.  Or when your son brings home a really ugly piece of macaroni art that you have to put on your fridge so he does not have future self-esteem problems.  I already know I’m going to hell so it’s cool.  Speaking of hell, save room for some Nina Garcia and Heidi Klum.  Nina commented that Shirin’s dress gave her a Carmen Miranda moment and Heidi called it an upscale witch Halloween costume (I guess there was a lot of Halloween moments this week).  Heidi also ripped a new one in Gordana, when she told Gordana, “you should be grateful you have immunity”… Gordana responds, “it was a disaster” and Heidi (deadpan) says “that’s the way it looked too”.  BURN.

And so, Carol Hannah wins because points were not taken off for a designer’s ugly makeup.  The dress was great though.  And even though he did not win, I am glad Nicholas got his moment to speak to Xtina (you know he was probably peeing himself).  And Shirin was out.  I felt bad for her after that.  She was definitely the best dressed designer with her little pencil skirts and mini-hats. 

I think in the end, it was a question of poor taste for both Shirin and Christopher with Christopher winning out because, let’s be honest, Xtina probably would have worn that.  Diiirrrty video anyone?

Week 10 – Around The World In One Sewing Room

After such a semi-eventful episode involving Xtina, drama and a small peepshow (thanks Chrisopher’s model), this episode was lackluster.  You know what else was lackluster?  Michael’s skin!  He’s losing some of the oompa in his loompa – time for a spray tan touch up my lovely orange man.  Anyway, this week’s challenge was to create a look influenced by a famous locale (from around the world…why were 75% of them in the U.S.?).  Below are each designer’s respective cities and my thoughts on their outfits:

• Carol Hannah – Palm Beach:  This was nice but I didn’t think it was anything special.  Sure the braided detailing was cool but I could find something similar from T-Bags quite easily…and 3 seasons ago.
• Christopher – Santa Fe (wtf? this is so random. I guess they wanted Georgia O’Keefe, per Nina Garcia, but really?  I just think sand and cacti…and Mexican food):  He tried to save it in the end by shortening the dress and putting the focus on his belt.  But really?  The belt was not all that, and certainly did not have the bag of chips to rescue this piece.  He was right in calling it Little House on the Prairie-ish.  (btw, I love when Tim Gunn told him to improve it by remembering the words “exuberance and sophisticated.”  Chris’ response?  “I’m writing that down”… Guess what Chris?  Just because you write those words down, does not mean you will be able to translate that as a designer.)
• Nicholas – Greece:  Sigh.  So not Greek.  Why didn’t he do a cute toga-inspired dress – where his repeat use of white would be a little bit more understandable?!  I liked the gray pants though – very well made.  When he was fitting his model, the way the bottom hem draped over the heel was perfection.  But who wears pants in Greek?  Esp. those that tight?
• Althea – St. Tropez:  I loved her outfit, I thought it was very St. Tropez and something almost anyone would want to wear on a warm and breezy day on a boat (I’m on a boat!)
• Gordana – New York:  Even though she used gray again, this was a well-done dress.  I thought the dress had a perfect balance of simple yet unique with the lined sides.  Had she gone simpler, the judges would probably have criticized her for only spending time on the neck-piece.
• Irina – Aspen:  Fantastic, as usual.  I loved the cowl-neck sweater with the surprise (and sexy) hole in the back.  This is definitely Mariah Carey’s version of Aspen (does anyone remember who ridiculously made up she always is?).
• Logan – Hollywood:  This wasn’t as awful as his per usual, but was boring and not very Hollywood-y to me.  It was more hipster than the boho look he originally was going for.  I think it would have worked better with shorts or a flirty skirt rather than jeans. 

The best part about this episode?  The JUDGES!  Oompa Loompa AND Nina Garcia are back AND….?  MILLA JOVOVICH!  I have been obsessed with her since high school (which you will remember, is a long ass time ago).  Not only is she beautiful, she has such a great, quirky sense of style (plus she is a designer with her BFF for Jovovich and Hawk).  She is also an “actress”, but let’s not judge her for it.

Anyway, this week found all the female designers on top (Althea was safe) with Irina closing with the win.  It was a pretty obvious choice in my opinion.  She was spot on with the Aspen theme and made three very elegant pieces, all of which are wearable on their own.  (Did anyone notice Gordana saying something to Milla in Russian before leaving?  So cute!  Little Babooshka Bonding!)  The guys were all on the bottom this week.  (that’s what she said)  Logan was safe for that inexplicable reason of eye candy again (my opinion but also an unspoken truth).  To be fair, for this challenge, Nicholas really let me down but I was rooting for him until the end.  Sigh.  But my prayers were to no avail and my bob-haired, diva man was sent packing.  Milla felt my pain and we cried together.  (below is a picture of Nicholas with my favorite of his pieces.  Look how glum he looks.  Sadness.  Nicholas, I love you but take this time to rethink the do.)

Until next time my friends.

Signed, Messiah of the Delinquent M.V.!

The team leaders and their respective partners were as follows:

1. Irina and Gordana
2. Althea and Logan
3. Carol Hannah and Shirin
4. Christopher and Epperson
5. Louise and Nicholas

I think this may have been the most boring challenge yet.  Basically the only restriction was the color blue.  I love blue as much as the next person, but it isn’t that difficult to work with and doesn’t really require any extraordinary creativity.  You know how some kids do really badly in school but later you find out they score in the 99.9th percentile and are actually just underperforming due to lack of stimulation?  I think that is exactly what happened this week because the results of the contestants’ designs were even more boring than the challenge they received. 

In my mind, there was no question that Irina and Gordana’s looks were the winners, esp. Irina’s dress.  It was a great dress but it wasn’t new in any way.  I suppose it was a good answer to the challenge to design for INC though.  I thought the Carol and Shirin’s looks were awful!   Irina was right when she said they looked like they came from the discount store and were on sale for half-off.  I thought the dress (or skirt and top) were flight-attendant-y and that tank tunic with the belt was gah-ross.  And still, they were the second best because that’s how lame everything was this week.

On the chopping block?  Louise for her overly generous use of ruffles (which Michael Kors described as bridesmaids dress with a shower ruffle).  I didn’t think it was THAT awful, but I admit that the light blue dress, especially, was very bridal. Chris and Epperson’s looks were just disgusting.  Bubble hem?  Iridescent pin-striped fabric as a shirt dress?  Double-vomit.  I did not see at all what Chris thought to be “reinterpreting” classics.  This looked like a Forever 21 clearance rack circa 2004.  What really irked me was Chris’ crying.  Seriously?  Have some dignity.  You obviously thought your stuff was the bombdotcom – so why aren’t you defending yourself.  Louise at least remained calm and composed the whole time.  I wasn’t as sad to see her go as I thought I would be because she had multiple chances to redeem herself.  And I admit I was wrong about her prospects to make it to Bryant Park, but I do think she is talented. 

There were really only 2 aspects of this episode that I enjoyed – the fact that my oompa loompa Michael Kors is back and the way Heidi gave her final comments before kicking Louise off.  Her voice is just so deceptive – it’s melodic but the words she uses are incredibly snatchy (i.e. “Chris, your outfits had nothing in common with each other except how clueless they were”).

Sigh.  I think it’s time for that thing they do when they “surprise” us all by bringing back an old contestant to get another shot.  Malvin anyone?

This week’s challenge:  select a film genre from the 5 available (unless you’re unlucky enough to be the last one called and therefore have no choice) and invent a character that lives in that genre.  The show is incorporating the Hollywood movie industry.  I dig.  The available genres were: Period Piece, Western, Sci-Fi, Film Noir, Action Adventure.  Oh, and they only have one day to complete it (panic!).

When Epperson got handed the Western card, I just started laughing.  Here was this Bob Marley look-a-like who had to design a character from a John Wayne movie?  Awesome. He really went for it though.  I thought his dress was fantastic – esp. with the detailing with the ruffles and the leather sling belt (I want a leather sling belt! It’s like a posh fanny pack).  I am kind of regretting naming Louise as the one to watch – her dress this week was yawnsville.  And hello? Her card was film noir?  That is basically her MO!  And I agree with the other contestants in that Louise’s mistake was not really having a concrete character in mind (I think her explanation on the runway was a person in 20s gear going to a party in the 50s?  Lame.)  Even after Tim Gunn told her that, as talented as she was, she wasn’t standing out enough with the judges.  For her to have this advice and to still come up with the tired black lace over nude number was disappointing.

I felt so bad for Gordana.  Someone give this little babuska a hug please!  She just tries so hard!  I do think her construction is really great – she is just having trouble thinking outside of the box.  As for the rest of the designers (excluding Nicholas and Chris who will be discussed shortly), everyone was just blah.  Oh and I HATED Logan’s leather jumpsuit!  It’s like he just took a picture of Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider and copied it.  And poor Ra’mon.  I thought the jumpsuit was heinous but the dress wasn’t that bad…I was really torn when it came down to Louise or Ra’mon.  I liked them both but given Ra’mon’s past win, I was definitely surprised he was kicked off.  Especially because he is definitely more interesting to watch than Louise.  I think my physical reaction was a widening of the eyes, followed quickly by a shrug.

As for the top two designers – Nicholas and Chris – they were both incredible.  I loved Nicholas’ white and silver dress and I think he definitely took a risk with all the appliques.  And Chris’ gown was perfectly made.  I hate to say it, but I think he was wise to ignore Tim’s advice about adding sleeves.  The dress was perfect without it.  And the fact that both dresses were made so cheaply is insane.

For your personal amusement – here are some of the thoughts that ran through my head as I watched (my method is generally a list of one-thought-sentences that I later piece together to write a blog entry. Sometimes I have no idea what I am talking about):

• Carol’s crush on Logan – eww.
• Does Carol ever wash her face? She has permanent racoon makeup
• Shirin wearing pigtails = symbolism?
• I HEART Nicholas
• Ra’mon’s jumpsuit as “kermit the frog gone wrong” – word, ya heard? Except any outfit that can be liked to Kermit is probably no bueno.
• “I see your hands but not your eyes” – annoying judge comment from that Marie Claire editor. I sort of hate her.
• Judge telling Epperson’s model that she could “manage [his] farm anytime” – GAH-ROSS
• Judge – “risky and ambitious but no banana”: wtf are you talking about?
• Leary-eyed, slimey judge continuing to drool over Epperson’s model
• Yay Nicholas!

Work it Sister!

The End.

The Challenge:  to use issues of the Los Angeles Times to create a look! Love the ingenuity of this concept (although am I alone in thinking that most Angelenos don’t really consider the LA Times a city icon?).  The designers can use muslin as an infrastructure (but none of it can show) and are also allowed access to provided paint and dye.  (btw, I really think they are reading my blog.  ”They” being Tim and Heidi.  Because hello?  LA Times…Tim Gunn Times?  Shout out to them!)

The Awesome Index

• Heidi’s “Hello” on the runway. I realize this is a weekly event but the ominous innocence of it just made me smile tonight. +1
• When Heidi announces “this challenge will be tough, but the answers will be in black and white” the whole group gasps in an irritatingly contrived way. Why the hell are they gasping? They act like they just won the Publishers Clearing House check.  But Heidi saves the moment by responding with an over-the-top gasping display to mock them. Love it. +1 for having a sense of humor.
• This challenge. +10 Finally something no one saw coming.
• Tim saying “I’m woeful Johnny” when seeing Johnny’s “origami on ugly pills” dress.  He continued on to say it looked like a bunch of kindergarteners did it or like birds had attacked it. +3. 1 point for using woeful like only Tim Gunn could. 1 point for pointing out the obvious – Johnny has the manner of a whiny 5-year-old.  And 1 point for kicking him when he was down by using his origami swans against him. I don’t have children myself, but I can really picture Johnny bringing his designs home with the excitement of a small child to show his mom.  His mom, I’m sure with all the love in the world, would wonder to herself what it is supposed to be but hugs him in encouragement and places it on the refrigerator.  There is no refrigerator on Project Runway.
• Nicolas bitching about anything and everything.  I don’t like haters, but I generally agree with a lot of what Nicolas complains about – Johnny’s self-pity sob stories (drug addiction is something incredible to overcome, but seriously, let’s move on now. This isn’t Dr. Phil), Shirin’s annoying immaturity, etc… +2 but then I had to -1 when the designers are in another room laughing and making fun of him. It made my cold heart hurt a little. (God, please take note of this moment of kindness)
• Irina vs. Althea – Irina is such an unqualified snatch-face but I have to love her for it. She is still complaining about Althea’s win last week (calling it an “utter shock”). I happen to agree with her so no love lost on my part. +1
• Irina being annoyed with everyone at the LA Times when all the designers fill their trash bags with ridiculous amounts of newspaper. “What are you guys doing? You’re dressing a human, not an elephant.” Not only are the words bitchily accurate, her intonation of constant boredom made her comment perfection. +2
• Nicolas bagging on Shirin – “I know we are the same age but I feel 40 around her.” Logan concurs by wondering if Shirin ever shuts up. Thank you for people finally seeing how inane she is. (p.s. to my friend out there of the same name – I love you) +2
• Irina’s trench coat – pretty crazy that she did this in such little time (since she scrapped her first attempt). Tommy Hilfiger’s comment that it was like a replacement for fur was kind of spot on. I loved it. And I loved that she did something other than a dress. +1

• Did anyone else notice Nicolas wearing a similar outfit as Heidi’s from the beginning of the episode? Black and white striped shirt and black pants.  He’s playing some type of voo-doo psychological warfare, and I like it.   +2
• Tim Gunn seething after kicking Johnny out – “I’m incredulous at that utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Johnny did on the runway. It was ridiculous!” Even more amazing than a pissed-off Tim Gunn? His vocabulary.  +4

Total = +28

The WTF Index

• Althea describing the LA times office as the “huge building where they make newspapers” … Ugh, can someone please send her the memo indicating that “stupid” is so 1995?  -1
• Johnny starts doing a crossword puzzle after scrapping his first design and sort of putting together another one. WTF?????????? Why are you here? I almost wanted Mitchell back at that moment because I was so disgusted by his lack of respect for the show and for himself. -3
• Johnny criticizing Nicolas’ dress the only way he knows how – badly.  ”It’s definitely not punk rock, it’s stunt rock.” What does that even mean? -1 because even though it just confirms my opinion of him, it made the water I was drinking come out my nose.
• Judges – Eva Longoria Parker, Tommy Hilfiger and that Marie Claire chick (Zoe Glassner). UGH who are these randoms? Eva Longoria Parker is fine I guess. Tommy Hilfiger is a racist (that’s right, I said it!) and the Marie Claire chick bugs me. Where are Nina and Michael?? -2
• Heidi being bored with Gordana’s dress. Okay, so it wasn’t groundbreaking but seriously? Bottom 3? It was immaculately constructed and I personally loved it.  -1 because I am right.
• Johnny’s transparent lies on the runway. It’s just another example of him victimizing himself to the point where he feels his lies are justified. Although Nicolas’ calling him out on it was a bit harsh, I was just disgusted with Johnny and wanted the truth out there. His dress looked like a collection of taped on red post-its. It was too short, and completely random. Kind of like Johnny actually.  -2 (but then +2 because he thankfully was given the boot)

Total = – 8

Neither here nor there commentary

• Chris’ feathery, floor-length dress. While I commend the time and effort that this gown took and while I love the bottom half of it, the armor-like bodice was so unattractive. It kind of ruined the dress for me.
• Ra’Mon’s separates were just whatever. As was Epperson’s samurai silouette.
• Looks I enjoyed – Logan’s white/black/teal number (love the asymmetrical ruffle), Carol’s floor length red gown and Louise’s (This week was a little bizarre with the full-neck color of newspaper curls but I like that she took a risk and experimented with different colors and textures – I can’t wait until she really knocks it out of the park). I even liked Shirin’s weird, spaceship dress. It’s more a testament for my love for this challenge – it really made things so much more interesting. It was like a breath of fresh air.
• As annoying as Althea is, she really impressed me this week – her play on patterns and attention to the details was incredible.
• I didn’t think Nicolas’ dress was THAT bad. It wasn’t the best, obviously, and he admitted that.  But the VERY clear differences in quality between his and Johnny’s was undeniable.

The show came to a total of +20!  Things are picking up folks! The claws are out, the standards and quality are increasing every week and people are showing their true colors (for better or worse).  I think my favorites so far are Nicolas (bad showing this week in fashion but fantastic in drama, which I need to give credit where it is due), Irina and Louise. I think Louise is the silent underdog who is going to end up surprising us!  Stay tuned.

I am trying to bring the Awesome and WTF Indexes back since (spoiler alert! except not because I’m so delinquent in my posting) the season is starting to pick up.  But Week 4 is uninspiring.  Here are the multiple reasons why…

This week’s challenge: create an outfit for your model to wear to an industry event where she will need to show her personality and standout.  Yeah.  It’s like they picked all the challenges for the season and decided that the first four were going to be the most boring and lame options available.  Basically, the “challenge” was to create a hot outfit for a 6 foot tall, 100 lb hanger who would look good in just about anything.

Awesome Index

• The contestants contemplating what the challenge would be – claiming “it could be anything, from homeless people to Eskimos.” +1 for being more creative than the producers.
• Epperson being baffled by his model, who wanted “short, sexy, romantic, flowy, strong punk…tiger”. +2, for Epperson, a 50 yr old man in dreadlocks thinking his model is a nut.
• A model wanting a royal blue and gold jumpsuit. +1 for the chick who proves being a model doesn’t mean you have any fashion sense.
• Tim Gunn asking Althea “What’s a cigarette jacket?” (she meant smoking jacket). +2 because Tim knew what she meant but probably wanted to make her look stupid. (note to Tim, a fellow by the name of John A. Holsom has a pending U.S. patent for a ‘cigarette jacket’)
• Tim commenting on Qristyl’s dress by saying it looked like “she’s been rolling around in bed.” +2 because (1) the dress was on a standing mannequin bodice, so you know it was bad and (2) Tim has no idea what a woman rolling around in bed looks like based on personal experience.
• Meth Face Johnny is getting sassy but is still so insecure. +1 for staying true to his first impression.
• Heidi remarking that Qristyl aged her model 10-15 years “which for the model world is like dog years.” +2
• Nicolas’ gray and white dress! I loved this! Why didn’t it place in the top? +1
• Horseface judge telling Logan that he was cute and that she liked his pants and sneakers. +2 because in the real world he would die before sleeping with her. But in this world, he’d probably consider it to get immunity.
• Horseface judge asking Qristyl’s model, Valerie, if she liked the dress. When Valerie said yes, Horseface responds “that’s why you aren’t a designer, right? … thank god.” Whoa! +4 for off-the-charts snarkiness.
• Heidi claiming to be obsessed with boobs. +1 – because aren’t we all?

Total = +19 (not bad I suppose)

WTF Index

• Chris claiming he works better under pressure… -1 (please see Episode 1, where he breaks down in tears for the reason)
• Mtheface Johnny’s dress circa French Connection 2002. -1 (why is he still here)
• Althea as the winner? Seriously? Not that the outfit wasn’t cute, but I could buy that at Zara. It was pretty clear by the end that the shorts were haphazardly sewn together. I think Althea has a great aesthetic but I think some really fantastic things were overlooked (i.e. Ra’mon’s cobalt blue number, Nicolas’ and Louise!!). -2
• The judges’ contradictory comments. First, they slam Qristyl for her “wearable” dress, calling it a blessing and a curse. Okay, I can understand that.  But then, they go on to comment on a dress for being too accessible – anyone can wear that and who cares? I really think this is what is wrong with fashion sometimes. It takes the concept of wearable art to an extreme.  The whole point of the challenge was to create something wearable to an industry event. We’re not looking for some Lady Gaga crazy crap here.  It’s just snobbery.  I like to look at crazy and amazingly constructed couture pieces as much as the next person but there is a time and place for that (mainly the runway and museums) but not in everyday like (day or night). AND THEN, the judges go on to criticize a dress for not being able to move “in real life”. WTF? Do you want real life or not? -4 because it made me want to damage my flat screen TV.
• Althea’s hair – she is teetering on the border between blonde and tangerine. Please remedy. -1
• Qristyl’s blouse. Please burn. Thanks. -1

Total = – 10

This show’s total was a +9.  That is a deceptive indication of its value and really is owed greatly to Horseface, who really had me laughing out loud. I am so thankful that the designers are starting to show more of their personalities (a/k/a bitchiness and competitiveness).  The only problem I am finding is that I am completely on a different page than the judges.  In my opinion, they’re really overlooking some great pieces and favoring ordinary designs.  Do these outfits look much different on the runway than on my TV? If so, I’m calling Time Warner to complain about the quality of my HD.  In any case, the correct person was sent home and I guess that is all that matters…until next time.

Besides being in pairs, the designers had to create a California beachwear-inspired look and, at the last minute, were told to create a second avant-garde look. I tried to index the designers and events throughout the show into my usual Awesome and WTF categories, but, to be quite honest, nothing deserved to be placed in any category other than BLLAAAHHHH.  Seriously, I found myself alphabetizing my DVDs and plucking my eyebrows during the episode because it was so freaking boring.  I know I have asked this before, but why is everyone on this show so completely lame?  It’s not even like they’re super talented and boring (like last season’s winner – Leanne), they’re just completely unoriginal, immature and forgettable.  The only good thing that happened was at the very end when Mitchell finally got the boot. The fact that he made it this far was ridiculous, but you would think after surviving 2 miracles of not being eliminated he would make some modicum of effort in the next challenge. But no. This is a clear example that what old people say about my generation is so true – we have an unjustified sense of entitlement. What else could explain Mitchell’s complete disregard for his responsibilities, not only as a contestant, but as the team leader? Although I was impressed with Ra’mon’s ability to pull out those two great outfits (heart the neoprene dress) seemingly out of his ass in 25 minutes, I was terrified that it would mean Mitchell would move on. If he had, I would have likely toyed with the idea of staging some type of public protest.

Before I complete my tirade, I want to say that there were a few designs I enjoyed.  I liked Ra’mon’s looks, of course, and Althea and Louisa’s beach look (stripes and magenta) and their avant garde look.  I also liked Gordana and Nicolas’ looks – I disagreed that they should have been in the bottom. I thought the top with the linen white pants was quite elegant and modern.  I must admit, however, I began to wonder, even with the designs I applauded, whether these designs were truly great or simply great relative to the lackluster competition.  Sad, but true.

There’s not much left to say – this season, as I have said, has been and continues to be such a let down.  Not only are the challenges uninspiring, the guest judges, while fun people (this week it was Rachel Bilson, who I love, and  Max Azira), aren’t really making sense in relation to the challenge.  If the theme of this week was California beachwear, why not invite a famous female surfer or beach volleyball player or even Tory Burch, who actually designs nice beachwear? (You know what would’ve been kind of awesome? If their challenge was to design for Bethany Hamilton – the amazing teenage surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack and is still kicking ass and taking names).

I could outline better episodes in my sleep (which I often do while dreaming about being Tim Gunn’s assistant). The show needs to step it up if it wants to make it work.

(btw, how amazing is this header? I love how seriously she takes her ridiculousness.)

Anyway, here is a brief recap on a few of the reports:

8-11 : A Prabal Gurung Cashmere Capelet ($2400), which must be special ordered. Yes, I’m sure it feels quite luxurious and the bright red color is definitely modern and elegant, but really? I’m not going to drop two and a half Gs on something like that. Plus, hello? We live in Los Angeles, where that kind of money does not need to be spent on warm outerwear. I guess maybe if I had negative body fat percentage like Rachel, I’d reconsider.

8-13: Chanel Intermezzo Nail Polish ($24) – a “classic white ivory” color. Can someone please explain to me why people spend so much on nail polish? I admit that certain cosmetics justify a “splurge” (i.e. foundation, skin care) but seriously? The Ulta alternative Rachel offered was $9, which is less than half the price. I would probably buy the Wet n Wild version for $1.99 or maybe spoil myself with some Revlon or Sally Hansen at a CVS sale. Nail polish is so temporary, no matter how good the quality. It’s definitely not worth spending more on. This is just an evil corporate way to get poor people to buy something Chanel so they can feel better about themselves. (just kidding…kind of…not really).

8-19: Another makeup post from the face that everyone wants to emulate – this time praising the Giorgio Armani makeup line (mascara $28, foundation $58 and lipstick $28). Rachel is just “mad crazy” (emphasis in the original post) for this stuff. Nothing new to report or bitch about with this, but this cracked me up. When describing the foundation, Rachel says “I wear a 5.5, or 6.5 when I’ve had some sun”. When you’ve “had some sun”?!? Her wrinkly face suggests to me that is the biggest (and perhaps, only) understatement she has ever made. [p.s. Mascara is one of the most competitive cosmetic markets out there among the drugstore brands...meaning, there is constant technological advances and formula upgrades. Buying designer mascara is really unnecessary.]

8-24: “Pearls in Peril” necklace by Tom Binns ($1350). For someone who leads people to believe she is so ahead of the times, why is this the third or fourth post extolling a design/look that is SO last season. Forever 21 has been making mixed pearl and metal necklaces for several months now. I don’t doubt that the materials Tom Binns uses are of superior quality, but really, how much longer is this “biker chic meets WASP” going to last? (if it isn’t already over)…(other examples of her reports on items I already knew about – tiered fringe purses, zipper boots with full-length foldovers, biker jean jackets)

Ughhhh….I don’t know how much longer I can take of her. And I haven’t even started watching this season of her show yet.

I almost didn’t even want to bother creating a post for this episode – did anyone find themselves wishing they went to bed early rather than stay up to watch this live? I DVR’d it, of course, and regret not waiting until I had nothing better to do than to watch it.

Anyway, this week’s Challenge? – To create a design “for an actual celebrity”…who is…drumroll please…PREGNANT! Shocker!! Completely unpredictable considering Heidi Klum has NEVER been pregnant on any of the prior seasons! The celebrity is Rebecca Romijn and she is preggers with twins – here is a big hint as to how long Lifetime and Bravo were in dispute over this show because she gave birth to those babies a really long time ago (7 months).  I don’t mean to be a stick in the mud, and while I understand the challenges of designing maternity wear, I feel like designer maternity wear has been on the up and up for 3 or 4 years now (with the advent of 7 Jeans for Maternity) and coupled with the fact that Heidi is a baby factory, it wasn’t much of a surprise to me.  Maybe I’m too jaded with reality television, having just gotten off the season of Housewives of New Jersey. Okay, back to the index:

Awesome Index

• Ra’mon saying that Rebecca looks to be in her early second semester. +3 because wasn’t he going to go to medical school?
• Logan being scared of babies although he likely inadvertently has fathered several. +1
• Tim Gunn telling Ra’Mon that “cuckoo has already happened” and the cameras pan over to Malvin. +2 (although I’m sure Tim was referring to Ari, who was eliminated in the first episode)
• Malvin believing in the others’ ability to “crack the egg” in the future and believing they all have something to say. +2 for being much more generous in his faith in others than I.
• Monique Lhuillier as a guest judge. I never knew what she looked like so +1 for showing me.
• Logan’s white and gold dress – I loved this! Why didn’t it get more attention? +1
• I really enjoyed Irina’s light blue dress with khaki flower accents. Althea’s long nevy and silver gown was also fantastic. Very regal. +2
• Shirin’s winning braided dress and jacket combination. As much as she irks me, this was by far the winner – extremely well-constructed, functional and elegant. +2
• Rebecca’s face when Ra’mon and Mitchell were trying to pitch their outfits to her – stone cold. She looked like a hardcore bitch and I loved it. +2
• Total = +16 (how pathetic is that?)

WTF Index

• Althea saying at the beginning of the episode, that Ari’s elimination “was a wake-up call…[that]…you can’t slack off”… Seriously? What the hell are you talking about? You’re on a reality competition show? How was the first elimination a wake up call to not slack off?! It was the first freaking elimination?! You’re not in the slumps of the middle of the season here. God, why do these contestants say the most banal and nonsensical things? -5
• Shirin giggling “you don’t know how big [the belly] is until you put cloth over it…and then, you’re like ‘whoa’”… -2 because her pitch and idiocy made me want to vomit
• Why do some of these designers dress so badly? I understand the need to be comfortable while working, but some of them seem to be actively trying to look gross (i.e. Chris a/k/a Eminem). Would you trust a poorly dressed designer or stylist? It’s like going to see a dentist with crap teeth, no? -2 … because I value my teeth and my wardrobe equally.
• Malvin (although I love you – see comments below) playing with concepts of fertility. That is not a concept. Rebecca is pregnant with twins. She is fertile. The whole freaking challenge is fertility. -1 because he thinks he is being artistic when really, he’s just being obvious.
• Qristal calling meth face Johnny outdated…ummm…pot? meet kettle. -2
• Nicolas’ dress is black and gray AGAIN – ugh, get a new platform. -1
• Ra’mon’s bowling ball dress – ugh. Awful. And the colors were bad. -1
• Mitchell’s sweater and shorts combination – it’s like what LiLo would wear if she were pregnant and going to a late brunch while hungover. Those shorts take the “parachute” idea to the extreme. Completely too short but also too much material. It is very clear that Mitchell has issues with sewing. The fact that you add an elastic band to the waist should make it easier to fit onto the model who probably has no hips whatsoever. -4 and then another -2 for the judges picking him over Malvin
• Malvin getting kicked off – WTF?! -10. Okay, I get that he was too literal and that it looked like a baby sling, but the construction was fantastic and at least he was trying to put something original out there. Are they actively trying to get rid of every interesting person on this season (which, as I already mentioned, is a total BORE-FEST!)
• I miss Michael Kors, my little oompa loompa. There was not enough estrogen on the panel without him . -1
• Total = -31

Neither Here Nor There Commentary

• When I first heard the challenge, I bet that Mitchell was probably wishing he saved his muumuu design for this week.
• Chris’ purple tunic and black leggings were whatever. He was clearly (as he said) just playing it safe. Which kind of bothered me – you have immunity, why don’t you try something different?
• Qristal’s is boring but not hideous, I suppose
• I thought Louise’s dress was really nice and I also enjoyed Epperson’s white jumpsuit (although I imagine I only enjoyed it because it was on a 6-foot model)
• I couldn’t see Gordana’s outfit because the camera didn’t show what it looked like without the cardigan. That was mildly annoying.
• Shirin is so ditsy it makes me hard to root for her, even though I like her designs.

Show Total is a -15. I’m getting increasingly pissed off with this season. Everyone is so boring and they don’t even make up for it with amazingness in design. I can’t believe they got rid of Ari and Malvin and let Mitchell stay. I am harboring strong suspicions that he is sleeping with the producer. Otherwise I don’t see the rationale AT ALL for keeping him around. Please please please let next week put Project Runway back in the black! It’s crapiness is stressing me out!

For a quick recap on the rules and purpose of The Tim Gunn Times, please see Part 1, Section 1.

Before we get into the episode analysis, let’s first introduce ourselves to this season’s contestants (together with my snarky and totally accurate opinions of them … by the way, the “bios” online for each of them completely suck – how can I properly judge them in advance and form lasting biased first impressions without more information?!):

[note: below are my initial reactions to just the bios and short video clips - I will add more of the "real" reactions in the episode analysis]

1. Althea Harper (Dayton, OH): looks like a pageant contestant; def. bottle blonde
2. Ari Fish (Kansis City, MO): cute and androgynous; probably goes to the Lilith Fair and starts each morning off with a breakfast of oats, berries and hemp milk.
3. Carol Hannah Whitfield (Charleston, SC): “in transition” – lives in a living room of an old house and her car with 6-7 other girls. It’s like a poor person’s sorority life.
4. Christopher Straub (Shakopee, MN): if Tony Hawk were gay…
5. Epperson (New York, NY): looks like Bob Marley (he only has one name so that gives me automatic clearance to make fun of him); he’s 50! props to the persistence…the ganga must have prevented him from making it earlier.
6. Gordana Gehlhausen (Charleston, SC): she’s 45 – looks like a mean Russian nanny (but she’s Persian with the rugs to prove it…rugs in her home, I mean)
7. Irina Shabeyeva (New York, NY): looks like a member of PCD (evidence: if she wasn’t a designer she would be “A rock star, a chocolatier or a trophy wife.“)
8. Johnny Sakalis (W. Hollywood, CA – woot woot! shoutout to my hood): looks like his entire face is trying to fit into 50% of the space allotted to it.
9. Logan Neitzel (Seattle, WA): I’m undecided – he is like Abercrombie/Fraternity meets high fashion concepts…like a less attractive, more creative David Beckham.
10. Louise Black (Dallas, TX): goth meets the 1950s; collects doll heads and tattoos; “tortured” (just kidding about the last one)
11. Malvin Vien (New York, NY): I have to love him because he’s my peeps (Vietnamese) and his favorite designer is himself. Gotta admire that self-arrogance (so few people in reality TV have that these days, right?). Bonus points for the first mohawk mullet I have ever seen.
12. Mitchell Hall (Savannah, GA): bland, but probably the most down-to-earth and relatable.
13. Nicolas Putvinski (New York, NY): wears vests and lives on the edge (evidence: his guilty pleasure is sandwiches)
14. Qristyl Frazier (New York, NY): proponent of dressing the “normal body”; seems heavily influenced by hip-hop culture
15. Ra’mon Lawrence Coleman (Chicago, IL): loves his mom and has an “embellishment counter”
16. Shirin Askari (Richardson, TX): She Loves Lucy and the “old school” thing; seems nice enough if not dull and very young (lives at home)…her fashion must? “a gorgeous hat”… *GAG* *cough* *contrived*

This is a very interesting group age-wise – a majority of the contestants are in the mid-20s and 3 contestants over 40. There is one in his 30s and he is only 31. Seems strange to me but this is the only time I have taken notice of it.

The Awesome Index

• Lawrence was going to go to medical school but decided to be passionate instead of being “great”. +1  - I’m mildly impressed by his intelligence and his willingness to give up a stable life for the love of fashion.
• Johnny’s meth addiction explaining his face…I know, it’s totally f*ed up, but I know you were nodding in comprehension when he confessed to his old drug habits. +2
• Qristyl saying her aesthetic isn’t “plus size”, it’s “plus-sexy”. Preach it sister. +1
• Nicolas claiming to be known as the “Feather Prince” with a straight face. +1
• The blonde losing her train of thought (I think it was Carol…but who cares really? None of the blonde girls have distinguished themselves yet, either personality-wise or talent-wise). +1 (no more than that, because it was too predictable)
• Ari saying she doesn’t sketch and doing headstands. Of course she doesn’t sketch. Don’t you understand that the visions come to her from the alien on her shoulder? Why is she just so misunderstood? +3
• Tim Gunn hugging meth-face Johnny, leading Johnny to practically get on his knees and claim he’s not worthy. We all feel that way Johnny. We all do. +2
• Malvin claiming there isn’t “vocab” for his designs. Sigh. +2
• Ari’s design being called a “halter diaper”. I don’t even think it’s accurate, it’s more like an alien honeycomb, but the term made me crack up. +1
• Tim Gunn saying the “big butt factor is a big but” – oh Tim, you’re so pun-ny. +1
• Lindsay Lohan as a guest judge. Don’t even start on how she “isn’t a fashion icon” or “knows nothing about fashion”. Yeah, I don’t think she is the best dresser and I’m certainly not going to buy her lame leggings, but let’s not pretend that she isn’t an influential pop icon. There are a shit-ton of people who look to her for inspiration. Just accept it. +5
• Irina’s dress! I love beige and black together (hers was the floor length lace dress with black ribbon). I thought it was classy and sexy. +3, but -1 because it was totally overlooked.
• Michael Kors calling Ari’s design a disco soccerball. +1
• Ari defending her design as “VMAs 2080″. +5 for creativity and complete insanity.
• Michael Kors saying that Mitchell’s Cher dress makes him feel like the model should be holding a glass of brandy with the fireplace going on in the back. +2
• Lindsay’s face when Qristyl said she had her in mind to wear her dress on the red carpet. Hilarious. Even a crazy crackhead like LiLo was insulted. +3 – it’s the little, subtle things that make this show awesome.
• I told my friend that Chris’s dress would have been much better with one less ruffle on the bottom to make it shorter. LiLo said the same! +2
• Ra’mon telling LiLo that he loved her before running off the runway. Classic. +3
• Total = +36

The WTF Index

• Logan claiming to be a “guy’s guy”…right, the kind that has chin-length hair, knows how to sew and wears neck scarves. I can definitely seeing him and Paul Bunyan chilling at the local dive bar. -2
• Meth-face Johnny having a break down after trying out 4 designs. Really, people? You came onto the Project Runway show with NO IDEA that there would be a “red-carpet challenge”?? Seriously, that is textbook, guaranteed shit. You should have had 5 prepared and tested sketches in your head automatically. Come on! -5
• Althea claiming she wants Meth-face Johnny to pull-through. Yeah right. -1 for fakeness.
• Everyone crying on the show, esp. Christopher and Meth-face. Get a grip! Jeeb-us. -15 for each time they shed a tear or got choked up (it felt more like 25 times)
• Mitchell insisting that the model measurements were so off that he had to start over. Umm…your original dress had no shape, was made of a stretchy gauze material. How different could the model’s body possibly have been to cause you to revert to something Cher wore around her house in the 1970s. Pathetic. -10
• Ari sending her model down the runway with jean shorts. Seriously? And she had no idea Lindsay would even be a judge, so there’s no excuse for believing your client was going to be a crazy crackhead. -5
• Watching everyone be really proud of their designs even though only 3 or 4 of them had anything to be proud about. -1. Again, I was really disappointed. This was such a generic challenge, it was frustrating that there wasn’t better quality and creativity.
• Qristyl’s dress = tacky times ten. Yuck – it’s like an 80s prom dress reject. -5
• Epperson’s dress was way too over the top. I felt like the model was being cocooned into an oblivion. -1
• Mitchell starting to defend himself before the judges even ask him a question. Ugh! I can’t believe I liked him based on his bio. He is ANNOYING. -1
• LiLo wearing her ugly leggings line. Ugh. -1
• LiLo being sedate and not going crazy. Bor-ing. -1
• The judges choosing Mitchell over Ari. There are lots of things wrong here. Firstly, I would keep Ari on just for entertainment value. Also, I’m interested to see what she would do with her dedication to function. Mitchell was lame and whiney. And finally, LiLo how could you? Ari is totally Sam Ronson without the starving artist look! -3
• Total = -41

The Neither Here Nor There Reactions (no love, no hate)

• Althea’s design was nice, but safe. I liked the colors.
• Gordana’s design was midly interesting, at least there were cool shapes and textures involved on the top.
• Shirin’s look was elegant but eh. Plus, I’m not a fan of capes.
• Ra’mon’s design was definitely gorgeous (and safe…again with the safety), but it was the most true to the challenge. I can definitely see a celebrity in that on the red carpet. Preferably someone with red hair to contrast with the navy.
• Chris (the winner) was great, but again, unoriginal. And also too long for the silhouette he should have been going for. It would be fun if it were 4 inches shorter and paired with grommet studded booties.
• Nicolas (grey and black criss-crossed dress) – whatevs. Btw, did he use the extra fabric to create the shirt and vest he was wearing?
• I actually really liked Malvin’s design. Maybe the detailed folding would have popped more with a different color. It wasn’t good enough to merit an awesome point though.
• I liked Carol’s concept for the top (symmetrical pleated bodice) but there was way too much fabric on the bottom.
• Disliked the bottom of Louise’s dress.
• Meth-face Johnny’s dress wasn’t all that. It was too “holidays” for me and too voluminous on the bottom. But I guess considering he had a mental breakdown, it wasn’t bad.
• Logan’s dress was dullsville and too long.

This episode was kind of a disappointment (with a negative score of -5). I’m pretty indifferent to all of them – there were too many for any to stand out (do you think that’s why they took turns crying and being big babies? That doesn’t make me sympathize, it just makes me roll my eyes) . None of them have my undying hate yet, but none of them really stand out in my mind either. I’m bored already. Hold me Tim, I think I’m going to cry.