WEEK 8 – 50% of Marriages End in Divorce
Let’s start with Episode 8, where the challenge was to convert an old wedding dress into a hip, new dress/outfit for a recent (or not) divorcee on a $25 budget (max purchase of additional 2 yards of fabric). I thought this challenge was very clever and feel-good empowering. Luckily for the designers, all of these women had fantastic bodies so there were no issues regarding an inability to produce for the average American. This was also the last challenge that would have an immunity prize.
At the beginning of the episode, Gordana says that “if I lose everything, at least I have my health…I will start again”. I found this mildly endearing and very Russian of her, no? I can just see her brewing a rock and potato stew for her family as she sews dresses by the light of a fire. Here is a projected image 20 years from now:
As much as Shirin irks me, I could not help but feel bad for her. Her client was like a walking sex ad with barely any fabric to work with. She wanted something “super fly” with feathers, a headdress and reminiscent of Cher. WTF was this woman on? And did anyone notice her runway walk? I snorted my soda. It was so over-the-top – like Tranny does Cher does Paris Hilton. But Shirin’s client was not the only crazy one – it seemed like all of the divorcees were “high on life” and abnormally enthusiastic. My favorite moment of the episode was when Nicholas shook his head at the camera when the client said she wanted to have his child.
And why is Epperson such an idiot? Why did you originally intend to use as little of the dress as possible? That is the opposite of what they told you to do? Ugh. He had to change his idea half way through when Tim Gunn, the lovely, set him straight. As predicted, it was awful and (as the judges pointed out) made his client look like a beer garden girl (and I would know since I spent a lot of time online looking for slutty Halloween costumes…this beer girl is quite popular).
Fast forward to the runway – here is a Ulysses-esque (a/k/a stream of consciousness) summary of my thoughts: Shirin, impressive (considering her limited fabric and talent), Epperson, beer girl (duh), Irina, nice as usual, Carol Hannah, love the layered gray lace, Gordana, love the structure, Chris, cool or spacey and weird? decide space-y and weird, Althea – cute (her dress, not her), Logan – barf. Irina, very nice and expensive looking. I can’t remember Nicholas’ so that probably doesn’t bode well either way.
The judges really gave it to Epperson and Logan. Calling Epperson’s outfit reminiscent of a pirate’s wench and Oktoberfest. Ouch. But deserved. The best part of the judging was when Michael Kors professed his love for Cher. This awesomely predictable moment further cemented my love for him as my favorite Oompa Loompa. In the end, Epperson was axed and Logan survived for eye-candy purposes (for what other purpose? I cannot explain. He is mediocre at best and has yet to impress me.)
Such a fitting picture - contemplative but clueless
WEEK 9 – Ode to a Pop Diva Icon
Moving on to Episode 9, where the challenge (given by sparkle-god, Bob Mackie) was to create an extravagant stage look for Xtina Aguilera! The designers had 2 days and $300. This was like a jackpot compared to past budgets in time and money.
This episode was fantastic, but not just because of Xtina. Tim Gunn was pulling out the outrageously detailed and accurate comparisons and comments left and right. Below were a few:
- (my fav) To Christopher: Chris, can I voice my general disappointment? If you have a reveal, it should be super sexy slutty or something. This is 1999, in the costume department, as an ice-skating Halloween outfit.
- To Irina: it looks like she comes out of a pumpkin and pops out. (this was only so-so funny. Nicholas guffawing on the side, though, made it noteworthy)
- To Shirin: it looks like it’s for a 16 year old’s really bad prom. This would also only be so-so, but really the dress looked EXACTLY like the dresses I saw in ugly Seventeen magazine prom dress advertisements. And this was 10 years ago. Gross, I’m old.
Anyway, back to the designers. There was love, there was hate. Love in the form of Carol Hannah’s pathetic crush on Logan. Ugh. Can someone PLEASE get Carol Hannah eye-makeup remover and a Q-tip? Stat! Her racoon eyes make me want to wash my face over and over. Irina, the resident biz-natch, calling Shirin’s outfit bargain-basement. Then Nicholas, second biz-natch, commenting that “Irina is a really good designer, the only problem with her is that she is a bitch”. Now can you see why I love him so much? While talking to her model, Irina also took the time to throw a snark at Carol Hannah: “if you’re going to be mediocre, at least have a personality”. Harsh. I guess that sucked mucho balls when Carol Hannah turned out to be the winner. She isn’t mediocre Irina! She just has no personality.
And Nina Garcia is Back! Yay! And Xtina looks was bleach-blonded, red lipped as ever! Yay!
Okay, here’s another Ulysses-esque Runway rendition: Althea - very nice, Logan – ugh, lame, Shirin -cringe, Chris – whoa, wtf? A garter belt? This isn’t PCD costume here?, Gordana – eh…not as bad as I thought, Nicholas – love, don’t care if he used white again, Carol Hannah – also love, begrudgingly.
Xtina was so kind on the runway, with something nice to say about everyone, even Christopher’s hooker costume. She gave him a big E for Effort. ha. This was truly a post-motherhood moment for her. Like the star you give to the “special” kids. Or when your son brings home a really ugly piece of macaroni art that you have to put on your fridge so he does not have future self-esteem problems. I already know I’m going to hell so it’s cool. Speaking of hell, save room for some Nina Garcia and Heidi Klum. Nina commented that Shirin’s dress gave her a Carmen Miranda moment and Heidi called it an upscale witch Halloween costume (I guess there was a lot of Halloween moments this week). Heidi also ripped a new one in Gordana, when she told Gordana, “you should be grateful you have immunity”… Gordana responds, “it was a disaster” and Heidi (deadpan) says “that’s the way it looked too”. BURN.
And so, Carol Hannah wins because points were not taken off for a designer’s ugly makeup. The dress was great though. And even though he did not win, I am glad Nicholas got his moment to speak to Xtina (you know he was probably peeing himself). And Shirin was out. I felt bad for her after that. She was definitely the best dressed designer with her little pencil skirts and mini-hats.
I think in the end, it was a question of poor taste for both Shirin and Christopher with Christopher winning out because, let’s be honest, Xtina probably would have worn that. Diiirrrty video anyone?
Week 10 – Around The World In One Sewing Room
After such a semi-eventful episode involving Xtina, drama and a small peepshow (thanks Chrisopher’s model), this episode was lackluster. You know what else was lackluster? Michael’s skin! He’s losing some of the oompa in his loompa – time for a spray tan touch up my lovely orange man. Anyway, this week’s challenge was to create a look influenced by a famous locale (from around the world…why were 75% of them in the U.S.?). Below are each designer’s respective cities and my thoughts on their outfits:
- Carol Hannah – Palm Beach: This was nice but I didn’t think it was anything special. Sure the braided detailing was cool but I could find something similar from T-Bags quite easily…and 3 seasons ago.
- Christopher – Santa Fe (wtf? this is so random. I guess they wanted Georgia O’Keefe, per Nina Garcia, but really? I just think sand and cacti…and Mexican food): He tried to save it in the end by shortening the dress and putting the focus on his belt. But really? The belt was not all that, and certainly did not have the bag of chips to rescue this piece. He was right in calling it Little House on the Prairie-ish. (btw, I love when Tim Gunn told him to improve it by remembering the words “exuberance and sophisticated.” Chris’ response? “I’m writing that down”… Guess what Chris? Just because you write those words down, does not mean you will be able to translate that as a designer.)
- Nicholas – Greece: Sigh. So not Greek. Why didn’t he do a cute toga-inspired dress – where his repeat use of white would be a little bit more understandable?! I liked the gray pants though – very well made. When he was fitting his model, the way the bottom hem draped over the heel was perfection. But who wears pants in Greek? Esp. those that tight?
- Althea – St. Tropez: I loved her outfit, I thought it was very St. Tropez and something almost anyone would want to wear on a warm and breezy day on a boat (I’m on a boat!)
- Gordana – New York: Even though she used gray again, this was a well-done dress. I thought the dress had a perfect balance of simple yet unique with the lined sides. Had she gone simpler, the judges would probably have criticized her for only spending time on the neck-piece.
- Irina – Aspen: Fantastic, as usual. I loved the cowl-neck sweater with the surprise (and sexy) hole in the back. This is definitely Mariah Carey’s version of Aspen (does anyone remember who ridiculously made up she always is?).
- Logan – Hollywood: This wasn’t as awful as his per usual, but was boring and not very Hollywood-y to me. It was more hipster than the boho look he originally was going for. I think it would have worked better with shorts or a flirty skirt rather than jeans.
The best part about this episode? The JUDGES! Oompa Loompa AND Nina Garcia are back AND….? MILLA JOVOVICH! I have been obsessed with her since high school (which you will remember, is a long ass time ago). Not only is she beautiful, she has such a great, quirky sense of style (plus she is a designer with her BFF for Jovovich and Hawk). She is also an “actress”, but let’s not judge her for it.
Anyway, this week found all the female designers on top (Althea was safe) with Irina closing with the win. It was a pretty obvious choice in my opinion. She was spot on with the Aspen theme and made three very elegant pieces, all of which are wearable on their own. (Did anyone notice Gordana saying something to Milla in Russian before leaving? So cute! Little Babooshka Bonding!) The guys were all on the bottom this week. (that’s what she said) Logan was safe for that inexplicable reason of eye candy again (my opinion but also an unspoken truth). To be fair, for this challenge, Nicholas really let me down but I was rooting for him until the end. Sigh. But my prayers were to no avail and my bob-haired, diva man was sent packing. Milla felt my pain and we cried together. (below is a picture of Nicholas with my favorite of his pieces. Look how glum he looks. Sadness. Nicholas, I love you but take this time to rethink the do.)
Until next time my friends.
Signed, Messiah of the Delinquent M.V.!
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