Messiah of the D.M.V.

WEEK 8 – 50% of Marriages End in Divorce

Let’s start with Episode 8, where the challenge was to convert an old wedding dress into a hip, new dress/outfit for a recent (or not) divorcee on a $25 budget (max purchase of additional 2 yards of fabric).  I thought this challenge was very clever and feel-good empowering.  Luckily for the designers, all of these women had fantastic bodies so there were no issues regarding an inability to produce for the average American.  This was also the last challenge that would have an immunity prize. 

At the beginning of the episode, Gordana says that “if I lose everything, at least I have my health…I will start again”.  I found this mildly endearing and very Russian of her, no?  I can just see her brewing a rock and potato stew for her family as she sews dresses by the light of a fire.   Here is a projected image 20 years from now:

As much as Shirin irks me, I could not help but feel bad for her.  Her client was like a walking sex ad with barely any fabric to work with.  She wanted something “super fly” with feathers, a headdress and reminiscent of Cher.  WTF was this woman on?    And did anyone notice her runway walk?  I snorted my soda.  It was so over-the-top – like Tranny does Cher does Paris Hilton.  But Shirin’s client was not the only crazy one – it seemed like all of the divorcees were “high on life” and abnormally enthusiastic.  My favorite moment of the episode was when Nicholas shook his head at the camera when the client said she wanted to have his child. 

And why is Epperson such an idiot?  Why did you originally intend to use as little of the dress as possible?  That is the opposite of what they told you to do?  Ugh.  He had to change his idea half way through when Tim Gunn, the lovely, set him straight.  As predicted, it was awful and (as the judges pointed out) made his client look like a beer garden girl (and I would know since I spent a lot of time online looking for slutty Halloween costumes…this beer girl is quite popular).

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For my take on this week’s episode of Project Runway, I think Carol Hannah put it best with her response to the challenge: “womp womp womp.”  I didn’t think I would ever have to rely on her to sum up my opinions so accurately and succinctly.  The challenge for Week 7 was to create 2 blue looks consistent with Macy’s INC brand.  The 10 remaining contestants first competed to be a team leader by pitching their designs to a Macy’s chick.  The 5 chosen then selected who they wanted to work with.  The winner of this challenge would not receive immunity but would get the chance to design a holiday dress to be sold in Macy’s stores and online.  The teams had 1 day and $100. 

The team leaders and their respective partners were as follows:

1. Irina and Gordana
2. Althea and Logan
3. Carol Hannah and Shirin
4. Christopher and Epperson
5. Louise and Nicholas

I think this may have been the most boring challenge yet.  Basically the only restriction was the color blue.  I love blue as much as the next person, but it isn’t that difficult to work with and doesn’t really require any extraordinary creativity.  You know how some kids do really badly in school but later you find out they score in the 99.9th percentile and are actually just underperforming due to lack of stimulation?  I think that is exactly what happened this week because the results of the contestants’ designs were even more boring than the challenge they received. 

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I think I spoke too soon in my last few posts about the season getting better.  While the challenges are definitely getting more creative, the entertainment factor of the show is still not enough to get me riled up…and certainly not enough this week to warrant actual Awesome and WTF Indexes.  Nothing really pissed me off or knocked me off my feet this week and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  But for blogging purposes, it makes it a little difficult to keep things interesting.  Here it goes anyway…

This week’s challenge:  select a film genre from the 5 available (unless you’re unlucky enough to be the last one called and therefore have no choice) and invent a character that lives in that genre.  The show is incorporating the Hollywood movie industry.  I dig.  The available genres were: Period Piece, Western, Sci-Fi, Film Noir, Action Adventure.  Oh, and they only have one day to complete it (panic!).

When Epperson got handed the Western card, I just started laughing.  Here was this Bob Marley look-a-like who had to design a character from a John Wayne movie?  Awesome. He really went for it though.  I thought his dress was fantastic – esp. with the detailing with the ruffles and the leather sling belt (I want a leather sling belt! It’s like a posh fanny pack).  I am kind of regretting naming Louise as the one to watch – her dress this week was yawnsville.  And hello? Her card was film noir?  That is basically her MO!  And I agree with the other contestants in that Louise’s mistake was not really having a concrete character in mind (I think her explanation on the runway was a person in 20s gear going to a party in the 50s?  Lame.)  Even after Tim Gunn told her that, as talented as she was, she wasn’t standing out enough with the judges.  For her to have this advice and to still come up with the tired black lace over nude number was disappointing.

I felt so bad for Gordana.  Someone give this little babuska a hug please!  She just tries so hard!  I do think her construction is really great – she is just having trouble thinking outside of the box.  As for the rest of the designers (excluding Nicholas and Chris who will be discussed shortly), everyone was just blah.  Oh and I HATED Logan’s leather jumpsuit!  It’s like he just took a picture of Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider and copied it.  And poor Ra’mon.  I thought the jumpsuit was heinous but the dress wasn’t that bad…I was really torn when it came down to Louise or Ra’mon.  I liked them both but given Ra’mon’s past win, I was definitely surprised he was kicked off.  Especially because he is definitely more interesting to watch than Louise.  I think my physical reaction was a widening of the eyes, followed quickly by a shrug.

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How’s this for crazy?  I’m actually starting to develop favorites.  Which means I am actually starting to care about this season. Maybe next time I will keep my old butt awake long enough to watch it in real time.  This week was the first time that I got excited about the challenge – it brought back the old-skool (sic) ingenuity of Project Runway.

The Challenge:  to use issues of the Los Angeles Times to create a look! Love the ingenuity of this concept (although am I alone in thinking that most Angelenos don’t really consider the LA Times a city icon?).  The designers can use muslin as an infrastructure (but none of it can show) and are also allowed access to provided paint and dye.  (btw, I really think they are reading my blog.  ”They” being Tim and Heidi.  Because hello?  LA Times…Tim Gunn Times?  Shout out to them!)

The Awesome Index

• Heidi’s “Hello” on the runway. I realize this is a weekly event but the ominous innocence of it just made me smile tonight. +1
• When Heidi announces “this challenge will be tough, but the answers will be in black and white” the whole group gasps in an irritatingly contrived way. Why the hell are they gasping? They act like they just won the Publishers Clearing House check.  But Heidi saves the moment by responding with an over-the-top gasping display to mock them. Love it. +1 for having a sense of humor.
• This challenge. +10 Finally something no one saw coming.
• Tim saying “I’m woeful Johnny” when seeing Johnny’s “origami on ugly pills” dress.  He continued on to say it looked like a bunch of kindergarteners did it or like birds had attacked it. +3. 1 point for using woeful like only Tim Gunn could. 1 point for pointing out the obvious – Johnny has the manner of a whiny 5-year-old.  And 1 point for kicking him when he was down by using his origami swans against him. I don’t have children myself, but I can really picture Johnny bringing his designs home with the excitement of a small child to show his mom.  His mom, I’m sure with all the love in the world, would wonder to herself what it is supposed to be but hugs him in encouragement and places it on the refrigerator.  There is no refrigerator on Project Runway.
• Nicolas bitching about anything and everything.  I don’t like haters, but I generally agree with a lot of what Nicolas complains about – Johnny’s self-pity sob stories (drug addiction is something incredible to overcome, but seriously, let’s move on now. This isn’t Dr. Phil), Shirin’s annoying immaturity, etc… +2 but then I had to -1 when the designers are in another room laughing and making fun of him. It made my cold heart hurt a little. (God, please take note of this moment of kindness)
• Irina vs. Althea – Irina is such an unqualified snatch-face but I have to love her for it. She is still complaining about Althea’s win last week (calling it an “utter shock”). I happen to agree with her so no love lost on my part. +1
• Irina being annoyed with everyone at the LA Times when all the designers fill their trash bags with ridiculous amounts of newspaper. “What are you guys doing? You’re dressing a human, not an elephant.” Not only are the words bitchily accurate, her intonation of constant boredom made her comment perfection. +2
• Nicolas bagging on Shirin – “I know we are the same age but I feel 40 around her.” Logan concurs by wondering if Shirin ever shuts up. Thank you for people finally seeing how inane she is. (p.s. to my friend out there of the same name – I love you) +2
• Irina’s trench coat – pretty crazy that she did this in such little time (since she scrapped her first attempt). Tommy Hilfiger’s comment that it was like a replacement for fur was kind of spot on. I loved it. And I loved that she did something other than a dress. +1

• Did anyone else notice Nicolas wearing a similar outfit as Heidi’s from the beginning of the episode? Black and white striped shirt and black pants.  He’s playing some type of voo-doo psychological warfare, and I like it.   +2
• Tim Gunn seething after kicking Johnny out – “I’m incredulous at that utterly preposterous spewing of fiction that Johnny did on the runway. It was ridiculous!” Even more amazing than a pissed-off Tim Gunn? His vocabulary.  +4

Total = +28

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I’ll admit it.  I didn’t even bother staying up to watch Project Runway during Week 4.  And I didn’t feel any motivation to play “catch-up” before Week 5.  THEN, I finally watched both episodes this past weekend.  Which was actually a bigger time investment than you may think because my DVR remote is broken so I was unable to fast forward through commercials.

I am trying to bring the Awesome and WTF Indexes back since (spoiler alert! except not because I’m so delinquent in my posting) the season is starting to pick up.  But Week 4 is uninspiring.  Here are the multiple reasons why…

This week’s challenge: create an outfit for your model to wear to an industry event where she will need to show her personality and standout.  Yeah.  It’s like they picked all the challenges for the season and decided that the first four were going to be the most boring and lame options available.  Basically, the “challenge” was to create a hot outfit for a 6 foot tall, 100 lb hanger who would look good in just about anything.

Awesome Index

• The contestants contemplating what the challenge would be – claiming “it could be anything, from homeless people to Eskimos.” +1 for being more creative than the producers.
• Epperson being baffled by his model, who wanted “short, sexy, romantic, flowy, strong punk…tiger”. +2, for Epperson, a 50 yr old man in dreadlocks thinking his model is a nut.
• A model wanting a royal blue and gold jumpsuit. +1 for the chick who proves being a model doesn’t mean you have any fashion sense.
• Tim Gunn asking Althea “What’s a cigarette jacket?” (she meant smoking jacket). +2 because Tim knew what she meant but probably wanted to make her look stupid. (note to Tim, a fellow by the name of John A. Holsom has a pending U.S. patent for a ‘cigarette jacket’)
• Tim commenting on Qristyl’s dress by saying it looked like “she’s been rolling around in bed.” +2 because (1) the dress was on a standing mannequin bodice, so you know it was bad and (2) Tim has no idea what a woman rolling around in bed looks like based on personal experience.
• Meth Face Johnny is getting sassy but is still so insecure. +1 for staying true to his first impression.
• Heidi remarking that Qristyl aged her model 10-15 years “which for the model world is like dog years.” +2
• Nicolas’ gray and white dress! I loved this! Why didn’t it place in the top? +1
• Horseface judge telling Logan that he was cute and that she liked his pants and sneakers. +2 because in the real world he would die before sleeping with her. But in this world, he’d probably consider it to get immunity.
• Horseface judge asking Qristyl’s model, Valerie, if she liked the dress. When Valerie said yes, Horseface responds “that’s why you aren’t a designer, right? … thank god.” Whoa! +4 for off-the-charts snarkiness.
• Heidi claiming to be obsessed with boobs. +1 – because aren’t we all?

Total = +19 (not bad I suppose)

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the designers’ biggest challenge yet … working in teams of 2!!  OMG, the Shock!  Now they will each realize what the audience already knows – they’re socially inept and unbearably annoying.  Unfortunately for them, they will have to discover that under the pressures of national television and with the futures of their designing careers on the line.  I continue to be disappointed with the lack of creativity on the production side of this show – how come everything is sooo ordinary?  I know that there will come a time when new and exciting challenges will be difficult to come up with but really?  Already?  Can we try a little harder please? (here are some suggestions: create an asymmetrical outfit…using only one hand!, outfit based on your favorite painting or song, gymnastics outfit!, classic remakes – i.e. the LBD, the white shirt, the trenchcoat, etc., create outfits flattering for “body types” – apple-shape, pear-shape, boy-shape, petite, etc., )

Besides being in pairs, the designers had to create a California beachwear-inspired look and, at the last minute, were told to create a second avant-garde look. I tried to index the designers and events throughout the show into my usual Awesome and WTF categories, but, to be quite honest, nothing deserved to be placed in any category other than BLLAAAHHHH.  Seriously, I found myself alphabetizing my DVDs and plucking my eyebrows during the episode because it was so freaking boring.  I know I have asked this before, but why is everyone on this show so completely lame?  It’s not even like they’re super talented and boring (like last season’s winner – Leanne), they’re just completely unoriginal, immature and forgettable.  The only good thing that happened was at the very end when Mitchell finally got the boot. The fact that he made it this far was ridiculous, but you would think after surviving 2 miracles of not being eliminated he would make some modicum of effort in the next challenge. But no. This is a clear example that what old people say about my generation is so true – we have an unjustified sense of entitlement. What else could explain Mitchell’s complete disregard for his responsibilities, not only as a contestant, but as the team leader? Although I was impressed with Ra’mon’s ability to pull out those two great outfits (heart the neoprene dress) seemingly out of his ass in 25 minutes, I was terrified that it would mean Mitchell would move on. If he had, I would have likely toyed with the idea of staging some type of public protest.

Before I complete my tirade, I want to say that there were a few designs I enjoyed.  I liked Ra’mon’s looks, of course, and Althea and Louisa’s beach look (stripes and magenta) and their avant garde look.  I also liked Gordana and Nicolas’ looks – I disagreed that they should have been in the bottom. I thought the top with the linen white pants was quite elegant and modern.  I must admit, however, I began to wonder, even with the designs I applauded, whether these designs were truly great or simply great relative to the lackluster competition.  Sad, but true.

There’s not much left to say – this season, as I have said, has been and continues to be such a let down.  Not only are the challenges uninspiring, the guest judges, while fun people (this week it was Rachel Bilson, who I love, and  Max Azira), aren’t really making sense in relation to the challenge.  If the theme of this week was California beachwear, why not invite a famous female surfer or beach volleyball player or even Tory Burch, who actually designs nice beachwear? (You know what would’ve been kind of awesome? If their challenge was to design for Bethany Hamilton – the amazing teenage surfer who lost an arm in a shark attack and is still kicking ass and taking names).

I could outline better episodes in my sleep (which I often do while dreaming about being Tim Gunn’s assistant). The show needs to step it up if it wants to make it work.

Before I get into Week 2, on Project Runway’s website you can bid to purchase the designers’ creations for Week 1: http://projectrunway.auction.seenon.com/.  I’m not sure if this is a permanent option this season, but it’s interesting (and hilarious) to see the values placed on the dresses by the viewers and fans. The two worst dresses (Qristyl’s tacky-ass purple dress and Mitchell’s sheer muumuu disaster), are hovering at $35 and $30, respectively.  Wow, those bidders are paying approximately $36 too much for each (remember, there are shipping costs involved…and whoever bid on Mitchell’s deserves to pay an additional bad-taste penalty). I also toyed with the idea that there is a 95% chance that these “bidders” consist of Qristyl and Scott’s mothers and loved ones. If this is true, however, that’s even more depressing. I should hope my mother would bid up my creations, no matter how heinous, as high as possible – isn’t that why they always say love is blind?

I almost didn’t even want to bother creating a post for this episode – did anyone find themselves wishing they went to bed early rather than stay up to watch this live? I DVR’d it, of course, and regret not waiting until I had nothing better to do than to watch it.

Anyway, this week’s Challenge? – To create a design “for an actual celebrity”…who is…drumroll please…PREGNANT! Shocker!! Completely unpredictable considering Heidi Klum has NEVER been pregnant on any of the prior seasons! The celebrity is Rebecca Romijn and she is preggers with twins – here is a big hint as to how long Lifetime and Bravo were in dispute over this show because she gave birth to those babies a really long time ago (7 months).  I don’t mean to be a stick in the mud, and while I understand the challenges of designing maternity wear, I feel like designer maternity wear has been on the up and up for 3 or 4 years now (with the advent of 7 Jeans for Maternity) and coupled with the fact that Heidi is a baby factory, it wasn’t much of a surprise to me.  Maybe I’m too jaded with reality television, having just gotten off the season of Housewives of New Jersey. Okay, back to the index:

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Now we get to the real nitty gritty – the official kick off of Season 6 with Episode 1: Welcome to Los Angeles! (*evil background laughter*).

For a quick recap on the rules and purpose of The Tim Gunn Times, please see Part 1, Section 1.

Before we get into the episode analysis, let’s first introduce ourselves to this season’s contestants (together with my snarky and totally accurate opinions of them … by the way, the “bios” online for each of them completely suck – how can I properly judge them in advance and form lasting biased first impressions without more information?!):

[note: below are my initial reactions to just the bios and short video clips - I will add more of the "real" reactions in the episode analysis]

1. Althea Harper (Dayton, OH): looks like a pageant contestant; def. bottle blonde
2. Ari Fish (Kansis City, MO): cute and androgynous; probably goes to the Lilith Fair and starts each morning off with a breakfast of oats, berries and hemp milk.
3. Carol Hannah Whitfield (Charleston, SC): “in transition” – lives in a living room of an old house and her car with 6-7 other girls. It’s like a poor person’s sorority life.
4. Christopher Straub (Shakopee, MN): if Tony Hawk were gay…
5. Epperson (New York, NY): looks like Bob Marley (he only has one name so that gives me automatic clearance to make fun of him); he’s 50! props to the persistence…the ganga must have prevented him from making it earlier.
6. Gordana Gehlhausen (Charleston, SC): she’s 45 – looks like a mean Russian nanny (but she’s Persian with the rugs to prove it…rugs in her home, I mean)
7. Irina Shabeyeva (New York, NY): looks like a member of PCD (evidence: if she wasn’t a designer she would be “A rock star, a chocolatier or a trophy wife.“)
8. Johnny Sakalis (W. Hollywood, CA – woot woot! shoutout to my hood): looks like his entire face is trying to fit into 50% of the space allotted to it.
9. Logan Neitzel (Seattle, WA): I’m undecided – he is like Abercrombie/Fraternity meets high fashion concepts…like a less attractive, more creative David Beckham.
10. Louise Black (Dallas, TX): goth meets the 1950s; collects doll heads and tattoos; “tortured” (just kidding about the last one)
11. Malvin Vien (New York, NY): I have to love him because he’s my peeps (Vietnamese) and his favorite designer is himself. Gotta admire that self-arrogance (so few people in reality TV have that these days, right?). Bonus points for the first mohawk mullet I have ever seen.
12. Mitchell Hall (Savannah, GA): bland, but probably the most down-to-earth and relatable.
13. Nicolas Putvinski (New York, NY): wears vests and lives on the edge (evidence: his guilty pleasure is sandwiches)
14. Qristyl Frazier (New York, NY): proponent of dressing the “normal body”; seems heavily influenced by hip-hop culture
15. Ra’mon Lawrence Coleman (Chicago, IL): loves his mom and has an “embellishment counter”
16. Shirin Askari (Richardson, TX): She Loves Lucy and the “old school” thing; seems nice enough if not dull and very young (lives at home)…her fashion must? “a gorgeous hat”… *GAG* *cough* *contrived*

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